Record Business Deal

October 29, 1999 (APNE news wire).

Mumbai, India

It was almost two decades ago that the
aging-thespian-going-on-shameful-dirty-old-man-with-saggy-cheeks Amitabh
Bachchan sang on-screen "Khaike Paan Banaraswaala.. Khullijae band akal ka
taala...!"  Well, here's a story of real life mimicking art....

In a landmark e-business deal for the Indian sub-continent, paan tycoon and
master salesman Muchhad Paanwala (www.indiawww.com/muchhad) signed a
stunning deal with veteran paan-spitter Dattu (formerly the much-remembered
driver of St.Mary's school Bus #4, now just a common drunk and wife-beater
who loves his paan almost as much as his bottle).  The deal, valued at over
US$40 Billion, "signals the dawn of the new internet-based paan-advertising
and distribution age", said Muchhad at a press conference late yesterday
evening at the Taj, beaming a smile that stretched the ends of his moustache
even further than normal, forcing photograpers to switch to wide-angle
lenses to capture the full impact of the visual splendour.  Muchhad Inc
stocks rose dramatically following the news, closing a whopping 61% up from
yesterday's closing price on the BSE.

Grinning widely (and showing surprisingly white teeth for a paan-salesman),
Muchhad proudly announced his strategic partnership with Dattu, the
legendary (some would say "le-jaa-andar-y")paan-spitter and color-creator of
South Bhendi Bazaar.  "This certainly comes close to the "khada" I got on
the day of my IPO, yaar!", Muchhad beamed. Then turning serious for a
moment, he continued,"the internet has been the trigger for the bhaiyyaa
population to get out from behind the paan counter and show the world what
their dhotis are really made of... and what they are REALLY hiding
underneath", Muchhad said.  "In the first few months after the hard launch
of my web site alone, sales went through the roof, tripling each month for
the first 18 months".  Muchhad, widely accredited for inventing the "thanda
(cold) paan" - or as it is snidely refered to in hardcore "chuna" paan
circles, "tatta (testicle) paan" for being a paan for sissies - has been
receiving rave reviews from a virgin NRI and firangi customer base that
first became aware of his concoctions only recently through the internet.

{ On a side note: Sales for the cold paan had, however, been diminishing of
late, somewhat mysteriously in the initial stages, but later diagnosed (by
famed consulting firm Machado & Company) to be driven by a sharp decline of
consumption of cold paan by cathedralites in the South Bombay area
(apparently, many of the population of this school - widely rumored to be of
dubious testicular strength, hence also the name - had been leaving the
internet in droves so as to escape the e-mail wrath they had attracted in
the face of (in hindsight, questionable and downright foolhardy) messages
they had conveyed to St. Maryz Boyz via email. "Damn pussies!" Muchhad is
said to have screamed at one point, in a moment of rare rage "..even if they
don't have the balls to stand up to real men, at least let them have the
integrity to find replacement paan-chewers for the sweet "kuthiya" paan they
helped create a market for in the first place...!!!" }

In a moment that is now generally believed to be a turning point in paan
history, Muchhad met Dattu, the fire-spitting then-Maryz bus#4 driver (and
accredited to be the face that inspired the famous Freddie Kruger character
of the "Friday the 13th" series of movies) in a rare #4 detour to the south
side of Malabar Hill (traditionally the route for Bus #1, not #4).  Dattu is
believed to have spit a paan 78 feet onto the chubby cheeks of a passing
cathedralite just returning from his 10th standard prelims (the boy later
said that he had been "unable to defend himself" from the flying spittle -
his hands had been "tied up" holding a "water bottle" in one hand and his
"mummy's hand" in the other).  Muchhad had reportedly been so impressed
(with Dattu, not the boy) that he rushed up to Dattu, flagged him down and
hugged him closely (an act that supposedly drove the distraught "boy" to
tears - and to Dahanu Public School for his next phase of education).

The two (Muchhad and Dattu, not the cathedralite "boy") kept in touch over
the years, with Dattu reaping the benefit of  Muchhad's choiciest paan
before his weekly sojourns to the Pila House district of Bombay.  "I don't
know what it was", Dattu says "his paan's stench just drove the chicks
wild... they did leave some weird rings around my you-know-what... but who
am I to argue... I'm just lucky to get any ... any which way I can..!!  (It
was well known by insiders that Dattu had deliberately crafted the school
bus route so he could get his rocks off  daily just driving past his
"Paan"derers in the red light district each evening. "I just made up the
whole thing about driving past the "gachki's" being educational to the
students", he chuckles. "Carasco bought it hook line and sinker - no sweat! 
So sue me!  And in a way, I guess it WAS educational ... Real-Life
education", he chuckled.

Anyway - to return to the story of the recent deal:  "Dattu is the greatest
paan-spitting ugly bastard I have ever met", says Muchhad.  "With TV
advertising being as expensive as it is these days - and with so many
channels that it's really hard to cut through the noise - Muchhad Inc. has
embarked upon a new era of paan advertising - the Royal Spitathon - that is
sure to spark new sales amongst the target sub-cathedralite masses.  Dattu
knows the spit-world in and out, his accuracy is legendary, and new
customers are sure to get attracted by his wonderous paan-spit patterns, now
augmented exponentially with newly-patented Muchhad colors.  {Mucchhad, in
an earlier deal, teamed up with famed color-coding authorities "Paan-Tone"
to create a new paan-specific palette. } Our new ad campaign - "He's baaaack
- with a Muchhad Paan in his mouth and a gachki up his ass!" will launch
tomorrow....  no holding back, now," Muchhad joked, nudging the now-blushing
Dattu with his elbows.  "Dattu is sure to become one of my greatest
strategic assets in the new millenium", he added, clearly banking on the
pre-Christmas timing of his deal to usher in strong holiday paan sales...
and perhaps spark off a return to the sweet/cold/ "sissy" paan that
holidaying cathedralites, fresh from their celibate days abroad,  will no
doubt trigger when they visit their mummies and daddies this winter. "It's
hip to be cool with cold paan", they dribbled, when asked to comment.

Asked if the business would now operate under a new name, Muchhad said, "Not
right now .. the Muchhad name still has strong brand recognition and the new
paan color palette is getting really well entrenched in consumers' minds
these days; all we were lacking was a strong spit-distribution mechanism for
the brand, and Dattu's magic touch will fill that void in our business
armour."  Dattu, asked to comment on the deal, made a scary face, then
smiled (reportedly much scarier than his scary face), and said "YEEAAAGHH",
in an attempt to recreate his vocabulary from his driving days.

Some things never change.......!

(Reported by: Ob E. Lix.... Master of his own Menhir)